Jokes and Funny Stories about Animals - 5

This is page 5 of jokes and funny stories about animals.

Advert in a newspaper:
Big dog for sale, eats anything - fond of children.

A man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar.
Man: I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo.
Bartender: What's a Matabooboo?
Bear: Nuttin' Yogi.

Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orders a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that a horse orders a coffee.
"Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer."

A city slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly fantastic", he gasps, "a dog who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and make piles of money with him." After his next move the man looks up and says , "Awh, he ain't so smart. I can beat him two times out of three."

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit grew up, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It said how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was,
"Don't scurry, be hoppy."

A man is driving his car along a lonely country road when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too". He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing.
"Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it".
The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?"
"Yes."
"I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

This big, brawny, dark-skinned Latin guy walks into a bar. On his shoulder is a beautiful blue-and-red parrot. The bartender says, admiringly "That's beautiful where'd you get it?"
and the parrot says "Down in Mexico there's millions of 'em!"

Submitted by : Simon F 

A polar bear walks in to a bar and says to the barman. "I'll have a Gin and....................................................................tonic."
"Why the big pause?" replies the barman. the Polar bear looks down at this hands and says
"What do you mean, I've always had them."

Submitted by : Johnny Harrold 

A petrol attendent is filling a man's car, when he notices that a small penguin was sitting in the back seat. The attendant turns to the man and asks what the deal is with the penguin.
"Well" the man says. "I found the little guy a few weeks ago wandering around looking sad. I've been going crazy thinking of things I can do for him."
"There's a zoo just down the road," replies the attendant. "Why don't you take him there".
The man thanks the attendant, pays, and drives off to the zoo.
A few days later the man pulls up to the petrol station and again is met by the attendant who notices that the penguin is still in the back of the car.
"I thought you were taking him to the zoo" asks the attendant.
"I did thanks" answers the man. "He loved it, so I'm taking him to the beach today".

Submitted by : Johnny Harrold 

A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.
No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist.
The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.
"Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

A Joke At Random

Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.

You can find more like this in the Computer Programmer & Users category