Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

 

This is page 5 of jokes and funny stories about marriage.

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Husband: "Your birthday is coming up, so I'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday."
Wife: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
Husband: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."

A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make $100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?" The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this 555-3724?"

A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of antiques."
His friend replied," Yes I know, I've seen your wife."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!"
His wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running?
Shut up, kid, and hand me another box of shotgun shells.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror, taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive, to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment, thinking about it, and says in a soft, thoughtful voice. "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30, at Saint Elmo's memorial Chapel.

Submitted by : John Porcello 

Mr Green: My wife's one in a million.
Mr Brown: Really? I thought she was won in a raffle.


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A Joke At Random

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

You can find more like this in the Christmas category