Miscellaneous Jokes and Funny Stories - 14

 

This is page 14 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

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How can you tell when it's going to be a bad day?
* You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
* Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is Frank.
* You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
* You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
* Your tax refund cheque bounces.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

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During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire. He began shouting, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic. The pilot suddenly appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back. "Don't worry, folks," he yelled cheerfully. "I'm going for help."

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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An hillbilly boy and his Father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

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When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!

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A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "Praise God! This is a miracle!" the joyous missionary shouted. "Quiet!" growled the lion, "I'm saying grace ..."

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Two rich young women, Tina and Buffy, were watching a TV show about the French Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," Buffy said, "If they were so poor, how could they afford all of that antique furniture?"

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Two martians landed on a country road on Earth in the middle of the night. "Where are we?" one martian asked. "I think we're in a cemetary," replied the other, "Look at the gravestone over there that man lived to be 108." "What's his name?" "Miles from Omaha."

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We the willing,
Led by the unknowing,
Are doing the impossible,
For the ungrateful.
And have done so much
With so little
For so long,
That we are now capable of doing anything
With nothing.

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My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new pair of cowboy boots. They were beautiful!! Out on the plains camping once, a huge mountain lion crept into Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots! Roy was furious, and decided to never rest until he had revenged himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had the critter in the sights of his rifle! Bang!! - one dead mountain lion!
Heading back into town with the dead animal slung across his horse, a friend approached him and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed your new shoes?

A Joke At Random

What did one skunk say to the other one?
"So do you!" (think about it)

You can find more like this in the What Did? category