Miscellaneous Jokes and Funny Stories - 7

 

This is page 7 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

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For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regime! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

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God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

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An alien came to earth, step down from his space ship and said: "I come in peace". Then he gets out his gun and start shooting at everyone. One of the guys who is running away shouts to his friend: " I thought he said he comes in peace!". The alien says: "You mis-understood me, peace is the name of my space ship"

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All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving. They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance, to see what the future held. The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above.
Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground. What did you see, asked the Chief?
I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills I saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us. If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp.
They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most of the Indians.
As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong it was a HAM BUSH."

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The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop! Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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'Hi Bob, Where have you been?'
'The cemetery.'
'Oh! Who's dead?'
'They all are.'

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Dad, there's someone at the door collecting for the old folks home. Shall I give him grandma?

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How do we know that Rome was built at night?
Because all the books say it wasn't built in a day!

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There was 3 men on a plane, a Scotsman, an Irish man and a Chinese man. They was flying over Ireland and the Irish man said I see Ireland, and then they flew over Scotland and the Scotsman said I see Scotland. Then they was going through a storm and the Chinese man went to the cafeteria in the back and he dropped a plate on the floor and said I see china.

Submitted by : Sam 

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He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

A Joke At Random

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

You can find more like this in the Computer Programmer & Users category