Miscellaneous Jokes and Funny Stories - 9

 

This is page 9 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

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A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

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A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment:
"What kind of work do you do?" they were asked. "My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher," the wife replied.
"Any children?" asked a committee member.
"Yes, 7 & 8 years old," the wife replied.
"Animals?" asked another committee member.
"Oh no! They're very well-behaved!"

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You Know When It's Going To Be A Bad Day When :-
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight .... and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

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A cowboy rides into town, goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks into the bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No-one answers. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS". He gets another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back, so he get's on it and makes to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks "Say partner, what happened in Texas?". The cowboy turns to him and says "I had to walk all the way home..."

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A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar. He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second passes and he bursts back into the bar and says "ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?". A huge man-mountain stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says "I DID". The cowboy looks up at him and whispers "The first coat's dry".

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Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

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You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

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Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance so he slipped into the local barber shop. "I want a Tony Curtis haircut." So Taffy started trimming around the back with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhea, and was yapping non stop about movies and movie stars. "Yeah, I like Tony Curtis too." as he trimmed up and over Johnny's ears. "Wasn't he great in 'The King and I'?"

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Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me Doc, how is he?" The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

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Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke?
Forget it, it's too crummy.

A Joke At Random

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