Office Jokes And Humor - 2

This is page 2 of our collection of office jokes and humor.

If at first you don't succeed, have you considered becoming a personnel officer?

Performance Reviews

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
5. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
7. How about never? Is never good for you?
8. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
10. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
11. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
12. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
13. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
14. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
15. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A Joke At Random

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

You can find more like this in the Car Driving category