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Random Jokes and Funny Stories

 

These jokes and funny stories are selected at random from our jokes and funny stories database. Press "refresh" on your browser to see another random selection of jokes.

Office

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
5. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
7. How about never? Is never good for you?
8. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
10. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
11. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
12. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
13. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
14. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
15. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Located in the Office section

Miscellaneous

'Hi Bob, Where have you been?'
'The cemetery.'
'Oh! Who's dead?'
'They all are.'

Located in the Miscellaneous section

Animals

Advert in a newspaper:
Big dog for sale, eats anything - fond of children.

Located in the Animals section

For Children

Did you hear about the man who wouldn't wash until he became a millionaire? He's now filthy rich.

Located in the For Children section

Change Light Bulb

How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Located in the Change Light Bulb section

Doctors

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs.
Doctor: I know we had to cut off your arms.

Located in the Doctors section

For Children

Why did the human cannon ball consider himself a failure?
Because he was always being fired.

Located in the For Children section

Christmas

What do you call the man who hosts a Christmas quiz show?
Santa Clues.

Located in the Christmas section

Drunks

'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.

Located in the Drunks section



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