Scottish Jokes and Funny Stories - 2

This is page 2 of Scottish jokes and funny stories.

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.

Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Two robbers broke onto a lodging house in Glasgow. They were discovered and a tremendous fight broke out. Bleeding and covered in bruises they finally managed to escape through a window. Well, we didn't do too badly said one, 'we came out with twenty pounds.' 'Thats true,' said the other, 'but we went in with sixty pounds.'

Submitted by : Jock 

A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to England. He took a clean shirt and a five pound note with him. When he arrived home he hadn't changed either of them.

Submitted by : Jock 

It was a bitterly cold day on the golf course and the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they neared the clubhouse, the caddy heard the words he was longing to hear, 'This is for a hot glass of whisky.' He held out his hand and a sugar cube was placed in it.

A Joke At Random

Yo' mama's so stupid, on her job application where it said 'emergency contact number', she put '911'!

You can find more like this in the Your Mama Jokes category