Scottish Jokes and Funny Stories - 3

This is page 3 of Scottish jokes and funny stories.

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What do you call 2 scotsmen hanging from a washing line?
A pair of tights.

Submitted by : minnie mouse 

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McDougal bought two tickets for the lottery. He won five million pounds.
"How do you feel about your big win?" asked a newspaper reporter.
"Disappointed," said McDougal, "My other ticket didn't win anything."

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What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?
A canoe sometimes tips.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went out for a night on the town. The Englishman spent £30, the Irishman spent £20 and the Scotsman spent a very enjoyable evening.

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My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy.

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The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.
"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.
"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"

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A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."

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An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

Submitted by : Stevie 

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A salesman from England was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow Hi-Fi store.
"And if you carry our new line of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey," the salesman said.
"Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts," said the buyer. "That would be a form of bribery."
"I'11 tell you what," said the salesman. "Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey." "How much for?"
"Say, a pound for the case."
"Oh, well," said the buyer, writing out the pur­chase order. "At that price, I'll take two cases."

Submitted by : Stevie 

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Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'

Submitted by : Stevan Hogg 

A Joke At Random

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

You can find more like this in the Office Humor category