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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 11


More of our British style of humour


This is page 11 of 16.

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A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!'
'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'
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MAN ON PHONE: "How long does it take to fly to Hong Kong?"
TRAVEL AGENT: "Just a minute, sir. . ."
MAN ON PHONE: "Thanks very much".
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A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.

Submitted by: Alan Scotland
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Hotel Guest: 'Can you give me a room and a bath, please?'
Receptionist: 'I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.'
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Mary was telling her friends about her new apartment. "It's fantastic," she said, "I can lie in bed and watch the sun rise."
"So what," replied her friend Joan, "in my apartment, I can sit on a chair and watch the kitchen sink."
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An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are running down the street away from the police as they had just robbed a bank. They look for somewhere to hide and find some bags. the Englishman jumps into the bag named 'cats', the Scotsman jumps into a bag named 'dogs' and the Irishman jumps into the bag named 'potatoes'. The police find the bags and kick the one named cats, the englishman says 'meow'. the Scotsman gets kicked and says 'woof'. The Irishman gets kicked and says 'potatoes'!

Submitted by: Hot_brody
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Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.
However, a beutiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.
Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.
One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.
He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.
And this is what he sang.
"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
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An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
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An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames."

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
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An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.

Submitted by: **Francesca**

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