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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 13

More of our British style of humour

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A woman gets on bus and immediately becomes involved in an argument with driver after he calls her baby ugly, she pays her fare and storms off to get a seat when a man asks "What's the matter, love?" "It's that bloody driver, I've never been so insulted in all my life" she replies.
"Ok" says the man "You go down there and sort him out and I'll look after the monkey!".

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
A very large car screeched to a halt in the middle of a Warwickshire village. The driver removed his cigar and called out to a local farmer, 'Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?'
'Straight ahead, sir,' said the farmer. 'But there b'aint no need to 'urry. He's dead!'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into  the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national  weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't  remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is there only one monopolies commission?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they lock petrol station toilets?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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