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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 14


More of our British style of humour


This is page 14 of 17. Showing jokes 131 to 140

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A very large car screeched to a halt in the middle of a Warwickshire village. The driver removed his cigar and called out to a local farmer, 'Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?'
'Straight ahead, sir,' said the farmer. 'But there b'aint no need to 'urry. He's dead!'
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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THE PERKS OF BEING 50+
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into  the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national  weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't  remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
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Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Why is there only one monopolies commission?
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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Why do they lock petrol station toilets?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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What's that up the road? A head?
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And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy sit in his lap?
Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

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