British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 19

What did they say to King Harold at the battle of Hastings?
Cor! Get an eyeful of those arrows!

What do spotty people go riding in?
Acne carriages.

What did they say to Julius Caesar When he went into a pub?
'Ale, Caesar?'

What is vicious, Victorian and lives at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the Kipper.

My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.'
The girl said, 'Tripe.'
He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'

There was me and my brother, in this cottage in the country, all on our own in the dead of night. My brother said, 'What was that noise? I thought I heard an owl.'
I said, 'You probably did. I stepped on the dog's paw.'

This nurse was learning first aid. The sister said, 'Nurse, imagine a man's been brought in after an accident and he's bleeding badly. What's the first thing you'd do?'
The nurse said. 'Faint.'

My brother was up in court last week. The judge said, 'What is this man charged with?' The policeman said, 'He opened a shop sir.'
The judge said, 'And what is wrong with opening a shop?'
The policeman said, 'Well it wasn't his shop sir.'

I went to the seaside for a vacation last year. The landlady said to me, 'We charge twenty pounds a night, bed and breakfast- or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.' 'Oh, all right,' I said, 'I'll make the bed.' And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.'
'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.'