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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 7

More of our British style of humour

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Two little old ladies were walking through the park one Sunday afternoon. The band was playing a catchy sounding tune, and one of the old ladies said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is". The other one noticed a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the names of their selections. I'll go down and see". A while later she came back and told her companion, "It's the Refrain from Spitting".
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?"
"Just my cup and Chaucer."
When William Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'
A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps.
'Sorry', said the barman, 'we don't have any helicoper crisps, we only have plane.'
A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says 'Can I have fish and chips twice please?'
The shop owner says, 'I heard you the first time.'
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. 'Of course it is,' replied the driver.
'Great, I'll have a pint then.'
Railway Porter (cheerfully) - Miss the train, sir?
Passenger - No, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the station.

Submitted by: Freddy
Old lady (to street musician) - Do you always play br ear?
Street Musician - Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.

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