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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 8

More of our British style of humour

This is page 8 of 17. Showing jokes 71 to 80

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?"
"Just my cup and Chaucer."
When William Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'
A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps.
'Sorry', said the barman, 'we don't have any helicoper crisps, we only have plane.'
A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says 'Can I have fish and chips twice please?'
The shop owner says, 'I heard you the first time.'
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. 'Of course it is,' replied the driver.
'Great, I'll have a pint then.'
Railway Porter (cheerfully) - Miss the train, sir?
Passenger - No, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the station.

Submitted by: Freddy
Old lady (to street musician) - Do you always play br ear?
Street Musician - Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the fancy dress ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

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