Golf Jokes - Page 2

Wife: Why do you always think about golf at bedtime?
Husband: It putts me to sleep.

Roger: I'm going on a diet to improve my golf game.
Tom: How will losing weight help your game?
Roger: Because at the moment I can't see the ball if I put it where I can hit it, and I can't hit it if I put it where I can see it!

Wife: Sorry, but you can't go to the golf course today.
Husband: Okay, in that case I'll just putter around the yard.

Golfer: Do you notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Yes sir, you've bought a new golf bag.

What are the three worst words you can hear while playing a round of golf?
"Still your turn"!

A man is about to be married and is waiting outside the church with his bride-to-be. Beside them are his golf clubs.
His bride asks him, "Why have you brought your golf clubs to the church on our wedding day?"
The groom replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

"Charlie, why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked.
"Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't watching?" Charlie replied.
"Well, no," admitted his wife.
"And neither will Ted," replied the dejected husband.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

A lovely afternoon finds a man and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.