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Joke Topic - 'Lawyers' - 6


This is page 6 of jokes on the topic - 'Lawyers'.

Related Topics: Law (6) Judges (14) Attorney (2)
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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer replied, "If you want it fixed YOU pay for it!"
St. Peter replied "The fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think YOU are going to get a lawyer?!"
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Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
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The highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. They picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer.
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The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
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The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 per cent of its members give it a bad name.
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There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow.
The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..."
The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..."
After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part I threw in a check for the full $1 million."
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There was the cartoon showing two farmers fighting over the ownership of a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

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