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Jokes About Computer Programmers & Users - Page 11


Here are more of our jokes and funny stories about computer programmers and users.


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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

$text4
SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY or DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW

ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.

$text4
A computer salesman, a computer hardware engineer, and a computer programmer were driving down the road, in the middle of nowhere, when they got a flat tire.
The salesman says, "The car is defective. We have to swap the whole thing in for a new one."
The hardware guy says, "Let's change the tires around until we see which one is flat."
And the programmer says, "Let's just drive on for a while. Maybe the problem will go away by itself."

$text4
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPFs.) Your Wife1.0 does a scan for GPFs during it's monthly program maintenance scan (PMS).
You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C: \ YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2.
You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Submitted by: Stevan Hogg

$text4
Who is Great Britain's data compression hero?
Jack the Zipper

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Who is France's data compression hero?
Joan of ARC...

$text4
Now where did I park my hard drive?

$text4
How do you tell the difference between Computer Scientist and a normal person?
Get them to count. The Computer Scientist is the one that starts from zero.


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