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Jokes About Lawyers - Page 2

Here are more of our jokes and funny stories about lawyers and the legal profession.

This is page 2 of 8. Showing jokes 11 to 20

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Where there's a will, there's a happy Lawyer!

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

A lawyer was driving down a country road when he sees a family in a field eating grass. He pulls over and asks them why they're doing that. One of the people says, "we are so poor we can't afford food". So the lawyer says, "get in my car I'll take you to my house". "Are you sure"? asked one of the people, "there are 6 of us". "Yes, get in the car" said the lawyer. They all got in the car. When they were about to get to the lawyers house one of the people said "this is really great of you" and the lawyer "said no problem I have grass 6 feet tall".

Submitted by: 'rene

Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!

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