Jokes About Lawyers - Page 6

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the path. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.
Tell the District Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep overnight while their car was being repaired. "Sure", replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu." So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door: "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish." The lawyer said "I know what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig.

What's a good example of a missed opportunity?
A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat.

What should you do if you find three lawyers buried up to their neck in cement?
Run and find some more cement!

What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.

What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer?
By the neck...

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"