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Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 16

Here are more of our jokes and funny stories without a category of their own.

This is page 16 of 18.

Jess: I haven't slept for days and I'm still not tired!
Wess: That's incredible! How do you do it?
Jess: I sleep nights!
Tim: I hear you use three pairs of glasses.
Tom: That's right. One for reading, one for distance, and one to look for the other two.
Mack: My uncle plays piano by ear.
Jack: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers!
Q: On what side of a building does the sun always shine?
A: The outside.
My dad said, 'They're looking for someone to clean the stained glass windows in the lighthouse.'
I said, 'Since when did they have stained glass windows in the lighthouse?' He said, 'Ever since there have been seagulls.
My mum said to my sister, 'I had this awful nightmare. There was your teacher being devoured by this foul-looking monster.'
My sister said 'Go on, what happened.'
My mum said, 'Well, I can't get it out of my head really. The ugly face, the foul fangs, the slimy dribble, the bloodshot eyes....
My sister said, 'Yes' but what did the monster look like?'
My great uncle Morris died of deafness. He was so deaf he didn't hear the roadroller coming.
These two explorers were lost in the desert. One of them went on ahead. When he came back he said, 'There's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're going to have to eat sand.'
His friend said, 'Blimey, what's the good news?'
The first one said, 'There's plenty of it.'
The sheriff said to the hangman, 'Hangman, suppose you've got a prisoner to hang and you've gotta be sure he's dead. How high have you gotta hang him?'
The hangman said, 'Two feet off the ground.'
My mum said to me, 'Your uncle's a miser you know. In all that cold weather last week, he just sat huddled over a candle.'
I said, 'Blimey mum, they say it's going to be even colder this week.'
She said, 'Yes, well you never know. This week he may light it.'

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