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Miscellaneous Jokes - Page 18

Here are more of our jokes and funny stories without a category of their own.

This is page 18 of 19. Showing jokes 171 to 180

I was staying with my uncle. One day he come in and said, 'One of the chickens has just died. We'll have roast chicken for dinner.' I said, 'Lovely.'
The next day he come in and said, 'One of the pigs has just died. We'll have roast pork for dinner.'
I said,'Lovely'.
One of the ducks died the next day. He said, 'We'll have roast duck for dinner.'
I said, 'Lovely.'
Then the next day he came down all dressed in black.
He said, 'Your auntie's just died.'
I said, 'Don't worry. I'm not stopping for dinner.'
This man was going to be hung. And there he was standing on the trap door with the rope round his neck when in comes a warder with a letter. The prison governor says, 'Stop everything, I want to read this.' And he opens the letter. And he read it. And he laughs. And he laughs and he laughs and he laughs. And there's the prisoner standing there on the trap door and he doesn't know what's going on. He says, 'Tell me, have I got a reprieve?'
The governor says, 'No, you've just won a million dollars on the lottery.'
One caveman said to the other, 'What's that big thing with the long neck writing Jane Eyre?'
The other one said, 'That's Bronte-saurus.'
King Henry VIII went to heaven. St Peter said, 'Tell me, why did you have so many different wives?'
Henry said, 'I like to' chop and change.'
The emperor Nero called in his entertainments manager. He said, 'Nutticus, you've done very well. You've got me some very tasty looking Christians and some very hungry looking lions. Well done.
Nutticus said, 'Thank you your majesty.' Nero said, 'There's just one problem however.
Nutticus said, 'What's that?'
Nero said, 'How are you going to stop the hooligans running onto the field?'
Anne Boleyn went up to heaven with her head under her arm. St Peter said, 'How are you my dear? It must've been a terrible day.' She said, 'I'll say. I've got a splitting headache.'
He's leaving Friday.
Who is?
Robinson Crusoe.
Once there lived a family of very snobbish King Edward potatoes. The daughter of the family had just celebrated her eighteenth birthday and her parents decided that it was time for them to find a suitable match for her. They suggested all the eligible young bachelor potatoes but no name seemed to satisfy their wilful daughter. Finally in desperation her mother asked her daughter who she would like to be her husband.
The daughter thought for a moment and then said: 'David Coleman.'
'But, my dear,' said her mother in a shocked voice, 'you can't marry David Coleman. After all, he's only a common rater!'
It was late one night and Tarzan finally came home to his tree house. Jane welcomed him home and then asked what he wanted.
Make me a dry martini, Jane,' said Tarzan.
So Jane made him one. Tarzan drank it down thirstily and then asked for another one. This went on until Tarzan had drunk five dry martinis. When he asked for another one, Jane remarked: 'But, Tarzan, you've already had five. Why do you want another one?'
'You don't know what it's like, Jane,' said Tarzan. 'It's like a jungle out there!'
What Sort of cheese is made backwards?

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