Random Jokes and Funny Stories

"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."

Located in the Answering Machine Messages section

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time - I found you just in time...

Located in the Knock Knock section

What type of bird flies in formation, and releases red, white and blue smoke?
The red sparrows.

Located in the Animals section

Patient: Doctor, you must help me I keep thinking that I'm a crossword puzzle.
Doctor: Is it getting you down?

Located in the Doctors section

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a skunk?
A fowl smell.

Located in the What Do? section

My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

Located in the Marriage section

How many books can you put on an empty shelf?
One. After that it isn't empty.

Located in the Intelligence Tests section

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a knight of the round table?
A bite in shining armour.

Located in the What Do? section

Salvador Dali for Coca Cola: It's surreal thing.

Located in the Miscellaneous section