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The Joke of the Day Archive - Page 11

This is page 11 of our 'The Joke of the Day' archive and it covers from Sunday, August 4th, 2019 to Saturday, August 3rd, 2019.

The Joke of the day for Saturday, August 3rd, 2019

The airliner was accelerating down the runway for take off when it suddenly slowed down and turned back towards the terminal. It was two hours before it finally took off. A worried passenger asked a stewardess what had caused the delay.
She replied, "oh there's nothing to worry about. When we were about to take off the pilot heard one of the engines making a strange noise so he decided to return to the terminal. It took us a bit of time to find another pilot."

The Joke of the day for Friday, August 2nd, 2019

Who can shave twenty times a day and yet still have a beard?
A barber.

The Joke of the day for Thursday, August 1st, 2019

The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.
"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.
"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"

The Joke of the day for Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Last week I swallowed a clock.
Doctor: Why didn't come to see me at once?
Patient: I didn't want to alarm anyone.

The Joke of the day for Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

What is the name of the prize that is awarded each year to the most successful dieter?
The no - belly prize.

The Joke of the day for Monday, July 29th, 2019

That Private Williams is a fine shot with a rifle," observed the sergeant. "Yes," said the lieutenant, "but I wonder what was his occupation before he joined the army." "Why is that, sir?"
"It's the way he takes out his handkerchief and wipes his fingerprints off the gun every time he takes a shot."

The Joke of the day for Sunday, August 4th, 2019

What do you call an old lady who writes nursey rhymes while squeezing oranges?
Mother juice.

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